I Got This Read online

  So here it was, almost three years after being voted off American Idol, and I was now an Academy Award–winning actress. It was almost too much to take.

  In an unfortunate twist, I made many “worst dressed at the Oscars” lists. To be truthful, I wasn’t very happy with the dress that I wore that night, a brown high-waisted gown paired with a python bolero jacket with a prominent collar. It was not something I ever would have chosen for myself. But I was still pretty new to the Hollywood game. I wore what I had been committed to wear, by someone else and without my knowledge. Let me tell you—that was the last time that happened! I would never again wear something I didn’t love 100 percent.

  Winning the Oscar opened up the floodgates for more acting opportunities in Hollywood. Movie offers came pouring in. Some were interesting, while others weren’t right for me at all. I remembered back to what Beyoncé had told me and carefully considered each before saying yes or no. When the producers of the movie Precious asked me to play the title role, I knew it was an amazing role. But I also knew that I would have to again gain a lot of weight to play her. I had done that with Effie, and as much as I was moved by this film, I wanted to try a role that had nothing at all to do with my weight. I turned down Precious, and the role went to Gabourey Sidibe. She gave an unforgettable performance in the film, was nominated for an Oscar herself, and the career of another unknown actress was launched.

  One movie I did say yes to was Sex and the City. I played Carrie Bradshaw’s assistant, Louise. This fantastic ensemble cast had been doing their show together for years, so it was a real honor to be asked to become a part of their tight-knit family. It was also a little like being the new kid at school. The cast members of Sex and the City are fashion icons, each known for a distinctive, often trendsetting look. I was a little intimidated about how I was going to fit into all of that. I quickly found my stride, and ended up really enjoying playing Louise alongside SJP, as Sarah Jessica Parker is often called.

  Doing Sex and the City was a really great experience and very different from doing Dreamgirls. This set was very fast-paced. The cast members of Sex and the City had a long-established groove after years of doing the television show, and they moved each scene right along. While Dreamgirls was shot primarily on a soundstage in Los Angeles, Sex and the City took place on the streets of New York City. I spent three months living and working in Manhattan, and loved every minute of it. I even got to record “All Dressed in Love,” an original song for the movie sound track.

  During the time I was filming Sex and the City, I began taking notice of a very handsome actor named David Otunga. I told Walter, “Oh, I would love to meet that guy.” But I knew that if it is meant to be, it would happen, so I wasn’t going to pursue him. Luckily, things fell into place, and David and I met. I couldn’t have been more surprised when I realized he was the one.

  I had certainly been bitten by the acting bug, but my heart still belonged to making music. As much as I enjoyed acting, I thought it was time to put my focus back on my first true love—singing, and my new love—David.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  GIVING MYSELF

  September 2008 was a very special time in my life. There were two unforgettable moments that altered the course of my life forever. The first was the impending release of my debut album. But before we get to the actual release, let me take you back to how it all came about.

  A week after winning my Oscar, I was in the recording studio working on the album. It was almost as if I had to be reintroduced to myself because the last year or so of my life had been such a whirlwind: singer to actress and back again. I knew there had been a shift in my persona to the world. To almost everyone, I was now thought of as an actress first. I had always been a singer first and foremost.

  Clive Davis had taken a very active role in my album and in my career, and this was a great feeling. I also knew that I was going to have to listen closely to what he had to say. I don’t always take it well when someone tries to tell me what to do, especially when it comes to my music. However, when that “someone” happens to be Clive Davis, I listen. He’s the pro. I was lucky that I got to have a little more freedom than most first-time recording artists, something I didn’t take lightly at all. I spoke up when I felt I needed to, and listened to Clive and others when that felt right.

  It took me two years to complete my first album, due in part to the fact that out of the gate we had no idea which direction to go in. Coming from singing on American Idol and then to Dreamgirls, my audience was vast and varied. The musical landscape I was entering was very much in flux. I had a hard time choosing the right songs that would appeal to my audience, but also remain true to my voice and what I think I do best. I like to do big, sweeping ballads, full of emotion and feeling. When you turned on the radio in 2007 and 2008, you didn’t really hear songs like that. It was strange to hear Akon’s “Smack That” or Amy Winehouse sing “Rehab” followed up by “And I Am Telling You…” on the radio. I knew my audience was out there. It was just going to take some time to make the right music for them.

  I recorded somewhere around sixty songs over the course of the next two years to pick the final thirteen that ultimately made the album. I took my time recording because I wanted it to be great, for my fans and for me. I thought the fans deserved to have the very best, and you never get a second chance to make your first album. I worked with several different producers and songwriters, including Ne-Yo, Missy Elliott, Robin Thicke, T-Pain, Tank, Timbaland, and the Underdogs—Harvey Mason Jr. and Damon Thomas. The Underdogs had produced all of my tracks from the Dreamgirls album, so I was extremely comfortable working with them. They knew me really well, so it helped to have that rapport in the studio. And since I was signed with Clive, no one in the music business was out of reach. I even had the chance to work with the legendary Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, who became teachers to me. Terry became a father figure, too. He always had a life lesson to share, and I was always willing to listen. I practically lived in their Los Angeles studio while we worked on our songs together. Unfortunately, none of those songs ended up on the final album, but I will never forget the relationships that were formed as a result.

  I had been traveling around the country with David that summer, promoting the upcoming release of my album. Since I had booked a show in Boston, David was excited to take me on a tour of Harvard, where he attended law school. I loved seeing college through his eyes and sharing in his history prior to meeting me. Our relationship was growing.

  I was floored and honored that I was asked to sing the national anthem for the opening of the Democratic National Convention, held in Denver on August 25, 2008. I knew it was going to be a defining moment in our country’s history, but I had no idea how impactful that experience would be for me. I sang for all of the constituents and politicians in attendance, including the new Democratic presidential nominee, Barack Obama. Being from the same hometown, it was truly a thrill to sing for him. As with so many events I am privileged to be a part of, I could hardly believe that I had been given the opportunity to be a part of this historic occasion. Although my brother and sister weren’t able to be with me, they kept calling to see how I was doing. My sister kept asking if I was nervous—which I wasn’t. I was so excited to get out there and represent Chicago that I could hardly wait for my moment. My brother kept reminding me that the altitude in Denver might make me woozy or parched before I sang. Thank God he warned me because just before I was set to walk out onto the stage, I got so light-headed, I almost passed out. Thankfully, it was just the altitude, so I gave myself a minute or two to pull it together and was able to go out and sing with no problem.

  David, my mama, and my aunt were also with me on this trip. Mama never liked being in the spotlight, but she sure loved to be with me at all of my important events. And I was so happy having her by my side. Unbeknownst to me, David used that opportunity to spend a few minutes alone with my mama to ask for her blessing in marriage. Thank God my mama said yes! Acco
rding to David, he let out a big sigh of relief.

  A couple of weeks later, David and I were in Los Angeles—our last stop of the many appearances I’d done to promote the upcoming album release. It was my twenty-seventh birthday.

  David took me on a drive up the Pacific Coast Highway…and when he parked the car, he asked me to marry him. I was truly shocked. David had picked out the perfect ring for me! I was going to get married…someday. Of course, I started thinking about all the things girls think about when they get engaged. The date. The venue. The dress. Looking like a princess in the dress. But those wedding plans were going to have to wait. I had an album coming out, and David had big plans for his career that he wanted to pursue.

  Shortly after David and I became engaged, David made a decision to pursue a passion of his that would ultimately change the course of his life and his career. David wanted to become a professional wrestler for the WWE. This was his dream, and when he was given the opportunity to turn that dream into a reality, he took it. The one glitch was that David would have to move to Tampa, Florida, to train for several months, which meant we were suddenly going to be in a long-distance relationship. But I wanted David to live his dream just like I was living mine. We figured out that I could come to Tampa on weekends, or whenever there was an opportunity, so we wouldn’t go long periods without seeing each other. A week after being asked to join the WWE, David packed up and left for Tampa. My life was changing so fast.

  My album finally dropped on September 27, 2008. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so excited but incredibly frightened, too. A lot was riding on the success of this record. As I said, you never get a second chance to make your first record. I always get nervous right before I go onstage. I am putting myself out there and trusting the audience will embrace whatever I have to give. Releasing an album is that same feeling—only on steroids. Even though I was a nervous wreck, I went down to my local record store the day the album came out so I could see it on the shelves for myself.

  This was the moment I had waited for my entire life.

  The album was simply called Jennifer Hudson. I figured the world that knew me as the actress who played Effie White needed to know me as the singer Jennifer Hudson. The cover was a simple black-and-white photo of me. I had recently cut my hair short and wore a dress the stylist picked out for me, with a wide belt at the waist.

  Imagine my surprise when I saw the album cover. I had clearly been Photoshopped to look thinner for the cover of my record. I had not been told this was going to happen, and I was pretty shocked. So were my fans, and many of them voiced their disappointment since a lot of them had identified with me as a plus-size gal. It was another case of needing to fit an image. But I was able to put that disappointment aside for the excitement that came with finally having an album of my own, for the world to hear.

  There were three singles from the album, including the first, “Spotlight,” which was released as a single before the record dropped in June 2008. The other two singles were “If This Isn’t Love” and “Giving Myself,” which were later released in 2009.

  “Spotlight” was my first top-30 hit, peaking at number twenty-four on the Billboard Hot 100 and becoming a top-20 hit in the United Kingdom. The song peaked at number one on the Billboard Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs, spending two consecutive weeks in the top spot.

  When I was a little girl, I used to dream about the day when I would make my own music video. Thank God I spent so much time rehearsing in the mirror as a kid because when it came time to actually do the video for “Spotlight,” I was ready. Even though there was a music video for “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” it was just the scene from the movie. This was different because that video belonged to Effie—and “Spotlight” was all mine. The choreographer was shocked at how natural I appeared. He said I didn’t look like an amateur. Of course not! I had prepared my whole life for this moment.

  When I read the various treatments for the video, I wasn’t really sure what to think. They wanted to put me in tight, sexy clothes and spiky high heels for a scene that had me “at home on the couch.”

  I remember thinking, Now, why would I have on heels? I hate wearing high heels! In fact, someday I want to find a way to create a sexy heel girls can walk in all day long without their feet getting sore. Can I please get an Amen on that?

  We shot the video in a Los Angeles studio. I decided to bring my own clothes to the shoot. The process of shooting this video took a really long time. We ended up shooting until 4 A.M. the next day, and I had to stand in those high heels the whole time. By the last shot, my feet were killing me! Luckily, the video turned out well, and I was very happy with the final product and liked working with the director, Chris Robinson. Sore feet were a small price to pay.

  The album did better than the label expected. The album made its debut on the Billboard 200 and the Top R&B/Hip-Hop Albums chart with first week’s sales of 217,000 copies. It was eventually certified gold for selling more than a half million copies.

  In the fall of 2008, I had started a new weight-loss regimen in preparation for a film adaptation of Winnie Mandela’s life called Winnie. I had been cast to play the amazing Winnie Mandela under the assumption that I would lose a significant amount of weight to look more like her. I noticed I was feeling unusually tired. I know my body, and something felt very different. I wasn’t sure if the way I was feeling was due in part to my new dieting habits, stress, or perhaps some combination of both.

  I didn’t think I was pregnant because I had no obvious symptoms. Even so, I decided to take a home pregnancy test just to rule it out. I stood in the bathroom and waited for my results. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander and think about the possibility…and the irony.

  I looked down.

  Positive.

  I was pregnant.

  The only person we decided to tell right away was my manager so that he could let the producers of Winnie know I wouldn’t be able to do the movie anytime soon. We didn’t give them an exact reason. We just told them it was personal. Thankfully, they agreed to wait it out because they didn’t want to recast the lead. They wanted me to play Winnie and were willing to wait. The producers told me to do whatever I needed to do and that they would be ready whenever I was. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I thanked them for their gracious patience and understanding.

  David and I loved to take weekend trips to amusement parks like Disney World and Universal Studios. I had always loved going on rides. One day we approached a ride that had a sign posted that read, “Do not ride this if you are pregnant.” Funny, I had ridden this roller coaster many times before I was pregnant, but had never noticed that sign until that day. I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. I couldn’t make up my mind. The people behind us in line were getting annoyed for sure. Of course, no one knew I was pregnant so they couldn’t understand my hesitation. These types of decisions were all so new and unfamiliar to me.

  I suddenly went from thinking for myself to thinking like a mama in thirty seconds flat and have never looked back since. Going forward, everything I did, every decision I made, and every road traveled would be considered with my baby’s welfare in mind first. It was exciting to approach life from this brand-new perspective, and even better, without anyone knowing why—at least for a little while.

  I had been keeping a pretty low profile, but I couldn’t stay out of the spotlight forever. I was asked to sing the national anthem at the 2009 Super Bowl, scheduled in Tampa on February 2. It was an easy decision since I didn’t even have to fly anywhere. Thankfully, I wasn’t showing yet, so I wasn’t worried about anyone finding out that I was pregnant. Although I had been on one of the most-watched television shows on the planet, American Idol, I don’t think there is a larger audience and platform than the Super Bowl. God gave me the nerves of steel that I needed that night. This was the first time I was stepping out since the tragedy that struck my family. It was a very strange evening because I had nev
er been hounded or stalked by the media like I was that night. It was overwhelming. When I stood on the field facing the crowd, there was a roar in the stadium unlike anything I had ever heard. Luckily, once I started to sing, the tension faded away, as it always does. Singing is always my saving grace. I sang from my heart and soul that night—and I think it showed.

  Even though we had been given a skybox to watch the game, as soon as I hit that last note, I was eager to leave. David stayed and watched the game with my brothers and a few other relatives while I headed straight from the stadium to the nearest Chipotle, in full hair and makeup. A pregnant woman wants what she wants!

  The next time I would sing in public was at the 2009 Grammy Awards. I wore a black-and-white dress that strategically hid my ever-growing baby bump. I simply wasn’t ready to let the world know I was expecting, much less answer questions from the press. That night, I worked with a new stylist who kept trying to put me into undergarments that were way too tight across my belly. I had to tell her I wouldn’t wear them. I also had to tell her not to push on my stomach, but I never told her why. Hopefully she only thought I was just strangely obsessed with my abs. At my record label, no one ever suggested that I might be pregnant, though I wonder if they suspected. No one ever asked me. And really, when you think about it, who asks a grown woman if she’s pregnant, anyway? What if she isn’t? Boy, that’s awkward.

  The Grammys that year were pretty special to me, wardrobe issues or not. My album received three nominations, including Best Female R&B Vocal Performance for “Spotlight,” Best R&B Performance by a Duo or a Group with Vocal for “I’m His Only Woman,” a duet I recorded with Fantasia Barrino, and Best R&B Album, for which I ended up winning the award.

  Winning a Grammy was a dream come true for two very special reasons. To begin with, it was my first, and a great vote of confidence in my music career from my peers. And while that was truly exciting, receiving that award from Whitney Houston, my idol and greatest musical influence, was the icing on the cake. I couldn’t believe I was standing right next to her on the same stage, much less receiving an award from her. I was in complete awe, but not for the first time when it came to Ms. Whitney Houston.