I Got This Read online

  That was all I needed to hear.

  “I waited, Jesus—you said it was going to happen and now it is here!” I screamed.

  All I had to do now was pick a song to audition with and study the script that the studio sent to me ahead of time. After giving it a lot of thought, I decided to sing “Easy to Be Hard” from Hair because it was similar to the music from Dreamgirls and it was also from a musical that made it on Broadway. Plus, I thought the song really showcased my vocal ability.

  Marita met me in New York so she could accompany me to the audition. A lot about that first audition is a blur, but I went into it thinking that I had to fully encompass the character of Effie. I felt so connected to her—another big girl with a big voice. I wondered if all the women auditioning were full figured. I wondered if the producers were looking for someone with a different look than mine, even though I knew I could fill that role perfectly. I wore a simple black dress and readied my voice.

  I’m almost certain that the film’s director, Bill Condon, an Oscar winner for his screenplay for Gods and Monsters and a nominee for the screenplay adaptation of Chicago, and casting director Jay Binder were both there the day I auditioned. Besides that, there isn’t much I can recall, except feeling like I had done a really good job.

  “If we don’t call you by July, you probably didn’t get the part,” someone said to me before I left.

  It was only April. I had to wait three months to see what happened next? That was going to be hard—much harder than results night on American Idol. Luckily I could go back to Florida and continue working on my album. And wait for news.

  It turned out that 782 other women had auditioned for the role of Effie. The producers were intent on casting a relative unknown actress and searched the country, from Hollywood to Harlem, to find their Effie. All kinds of women, in all shapes and sizes, tried out for that part. Would you believe that the script called for Effie to be much taller and heavier than I was at the time? I guess I didn’t have to worry too much about not getting the role because I was too heavy. The irony of that became much clearer to me later.

  May came and went, then June and then July—and I received no call. My heart sank with the thought that someone else had gotten the role. I couldn’t get Effie out of my head, and I hated thinking that another actress would play her. Had the audition not gone as well as I had thought?

  But the producers hadn’t cast someone else. On the last day of July I received a call in Florida, telling me that I needed to go to Los Angeles for a second audition. This time they said they wanted me to sing the song.

  Oh yeah.

  That song.

  The casting department sent me the sheet music so I could prepare for my next audition. I only received part of the song, not the whole thing. I prepared that portion as best as I could. When I got to the audition, much to my surprise, the woman who went just before I did sang the entire song. I was panicking because I didn’t know the whole song. There was no way I could go into that room pretending I knew the entire song without failing. I certainly didn’t want to go in making excuses, as that is not my style. So I slowly walked through the doors and into the room, and proceeded to sing the part I knew. Needless to say, this wasn’t my finest hour. I was sure they would cross my name off their potential Effie list. I was devastated.

  But they didn’t.

  Bill Condon got word about what had happened with my sheet music. About a month after that audition, someone called to sign me to a two-week-hold contract. This meant that I could be given the role sometime in the next two weeks, but that they weren’t obligated in any way to hire me. Also, for those two weeks, I couldn’t agree to do anything else. Of course, I quickly signed. Once again, I had been given another chance in a one-chance business. I couldn’t believe how blessed I was.

  Those two weeks were pure torture. I was on pins and needles the whole time. I was so close…and yet I still felt so far. Nearly six months had lapsed since I first received the call to audition. They literally waited until the very last second to call. But they called.

  I was once again asked to come out to Los Angeles, this time for a screen test. In fact, they asked me to drop everything and hop on a flight that same day.

  “And Jennifer, this time, bring enough stuff with you in case you’re asked to stay.”

  “How much stuff is that?” I asked.

  “Everything you own.”

  I ran out of the recording studio, drove home as fast as I could so I could quickly pack and make my flight. Somewhere in the middle of that hurricane moment, I got a fax of the full sheet music for “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” so I could learn the entire song. By the time those wheels touched down in La-La Land, I needed to know that baby inside and out.

  I spent the entire six-hour flight singing to myself. I didn’t care who heard me or what they thought. I’d occasionally apologize for disrupting the other passengers, but knew what I had to do. I had to focus on my goal. I had to keep the faith and not let anything get in the way of the job in front to me. I am sure there were a few people on board who recognized me from American Idol, but there were many more praying to God I’d shut my big mouth!

  By the time we landed, it was very late at night. I went straight to bed so I would be well rested for my big day ahead. I woke up extra early the next morning, so excited to get to the audition that I was nearly jumping out of my skin.

  I called my mama before heading to the studio. Being the good mama that she was, she said, “If some things don’t work out and you don’t get it, then that is okay because something else, something bigger will come.”

  I heard her and understood why she was saying that to me, so on the ride over, I kept telling myself, “If it’s meant for me, it will be.” Those words are my mantra in life, and it has never let me down.

  It soon became painfully obvious to me that my purpose for being in L.A. was not just another audition. This was a screen test—the last stop, the final step to getting the coveted part. I knew all the other big roles had been cast at this point. If I was cast as Effie, I’d be working alongside a roster of incredible talents—Jamie Foxx, Danny Glover, Beyoncé Knowles, and Eddie Murphy—just to name a few.

  I was completely green at this point in my career. I had never had a screen test before. It was like being under a microscope, and I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t feel self-conscious. The screen test took almost six hours. First, they dressed me as Effie, did my hair and makeup so I would look like Effie, and then checked every bit of my appearance. And I mean every bit. They shot my profile from every possible angle, looking at my body from head to toe. I felt scrutinized in a way that I never had before. This was like American Idol times a million. I felt like every inch of my body was on display.

  When they finished shooting my screen test, the producers brought me into a room and asked me to do the pivotal scene where Effie sings her big song. I did this over and over and over again.

  After several hours, I heard someone in the room whisper, “Her voice is the only one that has sustained the entire time.”

  I did the best I could and gave it my very best effort. And before I left the studio, I was told I would be going home.

  I got on a plane and went back to Orlando.

  I wasn’t sure what to make of this. I didn’t have the part yet. But no one else did, either. So, when I walked through my front door, I placed my suitcase in the middle of the floor on the landing as a show of faith. I didn’t unpack a thing. I would just wait for them to call me back. I really hoped they would.

  By the following morning, I was already back in the studio recording my album. It was a weekend, so our regular crew wasn’t there. I was in the booth recording when I heard that I had a phone call. I instinctively knew it was about the movie. I stepped outside to take the call. I stood still, waiting to hear my fate.

  “Jennifer Hudson…” It was Bill Condon calling. He spoke slowly and methodically, as if he was about to de
liver a verdict in a courtroom.

  I was barely breathing, waiting with fantastic anticipation as my heart lay on the ground.

  “Jennifer Hudson, I called to tell you that you are Effie White!”

  “WOOOOOOOO!” I let out a scream of relief that turned to tears of sheer joy.

  I did it! I made it!

  I fell to my knees and cried. I was so relieved and overwhelmed and thrilled and thankful.

  Bill asked me to get on a flight that same day. Of course, I said I would.

  I’ve been gone ever since.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I’M YOUR DREAMGIRL…

  When I got the role as Effie in Dreamgirls, I had never done any professional acting. On the flight to Los Angeles, I kept reminding myself of this blessing God had given me. My grandma used to praise the Lord and say, “How great thou art!” She was talking about the wonders of God’s love and His glory. Looking out the window of my plane I realized that, perhaps for the first time in my life, I truly understood what she meant. She was talking about the wonders of this world, wonders that I was now going to see. I cried tears of joy for most of that flight.

  One of the first things I found out when I got to Los Angeles to start shooting was that in order to take this role, I was going to have to gain weight. You read that right. Gain weight! The script called for Effie to be heavier than I was at the time, and I needed to put on some pounds. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised. So many times I had felt judged for being too big, had lost jobs because I didn’t fit the image required. And now, for the first time ever, I was told I was too small! Who gets a job in Hollywood and has to gain weight?

  Me!

  I was told to put on an extra twenty pounds before shooting started so I could really look like Effie as the director wanted her to appear. By gaining the weight, I wouldn’t have to wear padded costumes or anything. I could be more “natural.” Okay, I thought. I know how to do this—I can put on pounds if that is what was required. I launched into a diet of cookies, cakes, and pies all day, every day.

  In addition to my new eating regimen, I started rehearsals right away, too. Every day I would walk around the studios like a high school student going to class, with my backpack slung over my shoulder, full of all the different clothes I would need. I went from dance class to vocal class to acting class. I was constantly on the go. In fact, there was so much physical activity during rehearsals that despite my carb-heavy, sugar-laden diet, I started losing weight. The producers quickly noticed my weight loss and told me I needed to focus on gaining. I kicked up my intake a notch and continued to load up on calories, so I could keep on the pounds despite my very active schedule. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I couldn’t disappoint the producers.

  The film officially started shooting on January 9, 2006. Being on the set of Dreamgirls was nothing short of—well, a dream come true. First, I actually got to be in this film, and second, I was set to work with some of the biggest stars on the planet. Eddie Murphy, Danny Glover—these were actors I grew up watching. I had been a big Destiny’s Child fan, so it was a thrill to work with Beyoncé. And none other than Jamie Foxx, who had just won an Oscar for his amazing performance as Ray Charles, was going to be my love interest. The first time I met Jamie was on the set. We had never said so much as a hello to each other before that first scene together. After doing American Idol, I had made a personal promise that I would never let anyone ever intimidate me again. But Lord help me, the first time I met Jamie, I was scared. He walked onto the set and the director said, “Action….Okay, kiss!”

  Huh? I thought. I was shocked. I was hoping Jamie and I would at least be introduced before we launched into a kissing scene! Oh well, I had a job to do. And luckily, Jamie had done this all a few times before, so he did his best to make me feel comfortable. Here I was, an actress playing her first scene, and I had to kiss Jamie Foxx square on the mouth.

  As filming continued, I remember thinking my grandma would have loved seeing all that was happening to me.

  “Look, Grandma. Look at what I am doing.” I had conversations with her in my head, especially while listening to the music from Dreamgirls.

  Whenever I wasn’t singing or dancing, I wore my headphones, learning the songs for the movie. I would listen closely to those songs, and ask myself the question that I always ask when I’m learning new music: “What is the message I am trying to get across? What does this song mean?” I need to feel the meaning of the song to be able to perform it with emotion. Music always means something. Music is powerful. It can be both spiritual and emotional. My grandmother taught me that all great singers sing with purpose. For this movie, every song had a purpose in that it propelled the story forward. The songs were almost as important as the dialogue—especially for Effie, who was the girl known for her amazing voice. Effie shared her heartache, her joys through singing. If I was going to play Effie with all my heart, I had to do the same. I certainly used that approach when it came time to do my big scene.

  Whenever “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” came on my headphones, it felt as if the ghost of my grandma was singing in my ears. I could hear her shouting praise and singing gospel like I was seven years old again watching her in church. Once I started singing the song, it was as if she could see me. Feeling her presence helped me find my emotion to power through that very challenging scene.

  I have a cousin who once told me not to sing at a song, but to just sing the song—and there is a difference. I sink my teeth into a song and attack it like Jaws. If I can’t feel the song when I’m singing it, how can I expect the listener to? Every song tells a story. My job is to be the storyteller. I knew that was exactly what I needed to do going into my big scene—I had to own it and make it mine.

  My mama used to tell me that she thought I usually worked best under pressure. I never noticed that about myself, but she sure did. When I was a little girl, I used to run around our family church begging for my first solo. When the pastor finally gave me that chance, I was terrified. It was like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. But, I also remember feeling a certain exhilarating electricity about it, too. Those feelings are what gave me the presence of mind I needed when it came time to sing in front of a crowd. I became addicted to the anxiety of performing every bit as much as the thrill of it. Now, when I don’t have that sense of panic before performing, I worry about being too calm.

  I was anything but calm when it came time to film “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.” That song is part of one of the most important scenes in the movie. I am not sure I really understood just how big it actually was until after we finished filming. It didn’t register until after I completed the scene that I, an unknown actress, had been given the role of a lifetime. The lyrics “And you’re gonna love me…” were especially poignant because for me, they marked my return to the world stage after my time on American Idol. I felt like I was being given a huge chance to send a message out to the world about what I could really do. Truly, I was overwhelmed.

  Not knowing the impact of that scene at the time is probably what helped get me through it. What I did know all too well was how Effie felt in that moment after being told she had to leave the group because she didn’t fit the image. Lord knows I had been there too many times myself. This was my story every bit as much as it was Effie’s. For things to be real, they have to come from a real place. I had lived these moments myself, more than once, and now I could bring all of my past rejection, pain, anger, confusion, and frustration to life through Effie White.

  The day we shot my big scene, the set was full of lots of people I didn’t recognize—from drivers to crew. Spike Lee and Jamie Foxx came to watch me. When I did my first take, I felt a little self-conscious with so many eyes watching. It was a little like singing in the shower, and turning around to find a bathroom full of people. Luckily, that feeling didn’t last very long. By the time I got through that first take, it didn’t matter who was there—as far as I was concerned, it was just
Grandma and me. I was Effie, and I was feeling her pain.

  People gathered all day long to watch. One by one, I could see tears in most everyone’s eyes as I sang straight from my gut take after take after take. By the end of the first day, my head was pounding, I was emotionally exhausted and I wanted to rest. Surely, I thought, they had captured the footage they needed. But Bill Condon, being the brilliant filmmaker that he is, knew I could give more. So we continued with the same hard push the entire next day until we got exactly what was needed.

  The scene took two whole days to shoot. It felt like the people I saw going into the studio were coming back for their next shift, just as I was leaving. It was an emotional roller-coaster ride for those two days, to say the least. We did the scene over and over again. At times, I felt I had no more to give. I’d start to cry, asking the director what more he wanted from me. I felt tapped out. I was tired. At one point, Bill actually had to tell me to pull back the emotion because I was crying too much for the scene to feel real. At the end of my final take, Bill announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, the star of tomorrow, Ms. Jennifer Hudson.” I had to wipe the tears from my tired and weary eyes as the entire studio burst into applause for me. I was overcome.

  Without knowing it then, what happened that day created a path for me that I could never have imagined. This day marked a transition in my life, from struggling singer and performer to film actress. I don’t think anyone in that studio really understood what had happened that day, and certainly not me. Bill Condon may have. Looking back on that moment now with clear eyes, I know that my life changed forever that day.

  I had never acted before this movie, so no one knew what to expect. I was an unknown actress who had been given the role of a lifetime. I felt a real shift in the way I was perceived on the set, a shift that was a nod of approval from my colleagues that I felt happy to receive.

  Jamie Foxx was the first person to actually say something about what had happened to me.